My friend Lolly could see and connect with almost anyone. It was a super power. She always made you feel valued, because she really valued you. She saw me, she saw pretty much everyone. She had a bottomless well of love and presence. I’ve never seen anything like it. She and I never spent one on one time together, never went for coffee, but she really saw me.

When I said something she heard it, she looked at ME, not a construct of me or what everyone else thinks of me.

She seemed to be like that with everyone. It made me nervous. How could she be so present all the time, so vulnerable, so open? Lolly died before I could understand her power, but I think about her often.

I have to chose when and to whom I am going to listen. I don’t have Lolly’s endless ability to connect.

Make no mistake, real listening is connecting, it’s vulnerable and unsettling if done well.

These are the times I try to show up and listen, to see the person, to set myself, my ideas, my assumptions aside, to be open, to learn, to connect:

• When someone is in pain, physical or emotional. Pain often shows up as anger, it’s especially hard to listen when someone is angry, and that’s when it’s needed the most.
• When I want something from someone. Who are they? What do they want? Can I help them win? Can we work together?
• When the job isn’t getting done. People want to do a good job, they just do. If they aren’t something is going on.