To connect.

For me, listening, when I do it well, is meditation.

Meditation is the act of observation, it’s being aware of your breath as it enters your body, and as it leaves, observing thoughts that flow through you. Sometimes I have as many as 2-5 seconds when I am totally present and merely observing those thoughts are happening rather than engaging with them.

Those are lovely and liberating seconds when my mind doesn’t own me, when I am something more and less. It’s magical and godlike.

Listening as meditation is being fully present when someone is speaking.

They may be speaking with their words or actions. When I pull it off, which isn’t all the time, I get to actually see that person. I am not stuck inside my head, hearing what I want from that person, what I’ll say when they stop talking, or what I think they want from me. It’s liberating the way deep breathing, hard yoga, and meditation is liberating.

We are all amazing beings. It’s wonderful to pause for a moment and see the person in front of you.

An example from this past Saturday;

My husband, Keith, and I were having a drink at one of our favorite places. On the other side of my husband was a middle-aged man we have known socially for years. He’s a really sweet man who recently lost his estranged wife, and he’s fairly sexist. Occasionally I call him on his objectifying comments, but I have a high tolerance for him. Here’s how my good listening helped to keep our friendship and maybe help him feel seen Saturday night.

Jerry: Keith, you’re a lucky man, you know you have to do everything she says, but she’s hot and so just keep your mouth shut and then you’ll get laid.

Keith: Um, wow.

Jerry: You know I am right, look at her, and when she get’s older and needs some work just pay up and don’t ask any questions. You want to keep a woman like that.

Keith: *drinks more bourbon*

Me: So, Jerry, you’re talking a lot about what Keith should do to keep me.

Jerry: You know, he should try to keep you.

Me: Jerry, you know that’s not something he needs to worry about, why are you so stuck on that topic?

Jerry: It’s something all men need to worry about, you only get real love once, and I lost my love twice.

Me: You’re struggling with that?

Jerry: It’s hard, you don’t want to be where I am, older and alone. I am ok, but you don’t want to be here.

Me: I am so sorry you’re having a hard time. It sounds very lonely.

Jerry: It is. You know, it’s not about being hot, it’s more.

Me: I know it is. I am sorry.