Most of us know about active listening, you know, that thing you learn in marriage counseling, “what I hear you saying is that if I leave my shoes out in the entry way again you are going to kill me in my sleep.” Whatever, we’ve all done that, it’s annoying.

I learned to really listen from my clients in my first business which works with people with developmental disabilities. That businesses mission is to help it’s clients have the lives they want. Everyone thinks of a smiling young person with Down’s Syndrome at Special Olympics when they imagine developmental disabilities. I hear, “They’re such sweet kids.” and “You’re doing God’s work.”

Sure, some people with developmental disabilities are sweet, some are assholes. They’re people, and our job was to help them have the life they wanted.

So, when Juan told his team that his goal for the next year was to become a police officer, was our job to enroll him in the local police academy? Wait, Juan can’t drive, write a report, run, hold a gun, or speak in complete sentences. Do we need to spend the next 30 years trying to teach him those things???? Maybe, but first we had to understand what being an officer meant to Juan.

Me: What does it mean to be a police officer?

J: You know, uniform.

Me: ahhh, so a police officer wears a uniform.

J: Looks at me like I am an idiot, everyone knows this, I’ll stop being so lame.

Me: Ok, you want to wear a uniform.

J: Yes.

Me: Cool.  What does a police officer do?

J: Stand.

Me: Yep, I’ve seen that, I’ve seen them standing in lots of places, where do you see them standing?

J: You know.

Me: I don’t.

J: Lucky’s

Me: You see police at Lucky’s? Like at the bar getting a drink or having dinner?

J: Door at parties.

Me: Oh! do you mean like working security at Lucky’s?

J: Smiling- Yes!

Me: What else do police officers do?

J: Smile, talk, laugh

Me: Anything else?

J: No.

Me: Juan, it sounds like you want to wear a uniform and work security at the door at Lucky’s. Did I miss anything?

J: Security at Lucky’s.

Me: Are you going to let me in if I show up?

J: Maybe.

From this point we all figured out what we needed to do help Juan work security in a uniform at Lucky’s. It was pretty straightforward, one of the people who works with Juan did a bunch of research with him to find a uniform he liked. His dad talked to the owner of Lucky’s and spent time with the police who worked security to get Juan on the schedule to assist them twice a month(the officers loved the company). Juan’s behavior therapist put together a roll playing plan to help Juan’s support staff (who all worked for my agency) prepare him for his new volunteer job and any challenges that might come with it. Juan did let me into a party one night when he was on the door, but he made me pay the cover.

My picture of a police officer was very different from Juan’s, and everyone hates simplistic repetition of what they’ve just said. Dig. Find out what things actually mean to the person you’re talking with.

Don’t assume something won’t work, figure out what people actually want, then figure out how you can help them get it. It might get you into a party, or help your startup get a contract with a major healthcare system.